REALLY Giving Thanks

Today, I'd like to take a moment to REALLY give thanks. Every single day, I'm grateful for the things that all people are; i.e. food, health, shelter, you know.

But today, I'd like to take a moment to be really honest and thank those that have made a true impact on my life. (Don't judge me, Bitches, you don't know my life).

First, I'd like to thank the lady in customer service with Ford Motor Credit back in 2000. This agent really pissed me off. When she threatened to repo the car I was driving, she drove me to say, "Fucking come get it". (They did.) That resulted in an impound and tow charge of about $750. It did teach me patience and discipline with people in those positions. Now, when a CSR is a cunt, I either hang up or make a game out of it. If they argue, I ask for paper evidence and I pay it. Takes two to fight.

Second, I'd like to thank every utility company who ever negotiated with me on a"Just Give Me Til Friday" basis. That, too, taught me to plan ahead. Humility is a teacher unto itself.

To the bank that covered immeasurable amounts of overdraft fees and caused me to give up checking altogether for about 9 years, THANK YOU. Cash is king. Wouldn't even use a checking if we didn't have a business. But you did teach me NOT to bet on the come. The come sometimes doesn't come.

But more than anyone or anything, I have to give thanks to every false friend, every vindictive, jealous and negative family member, distant and closer, that said I was crazy, that I'd never do anything with my life; that I'd be a cashier (I wish) or a server with no education and do nothing whatsover. To you, I say THANK YOU the most.

I'm not done, I'm nowhere near where I want or intend to be, but I'm in the right direction. It is to the poor morals of the women in my life and the strong work ethic of the men in my life that I am the most thankful. When I think of which direction I could have turned, I shiver and realize that it's not always the parent of the same sex that has the most positive influence on a child. 

So if you see me in the Rural King looking at a piece of welding machinery or at Sears ordering an air dryer for my air compressor (in my kickass Muck boots) and my hair is not done, I haven't a fingernail or hint of beauty upon me, you (too) should be thankful. I could be donned in Aigner and camel toe jeans and shopping at the Village Boutique while fucking your husband.

This is the role I will play in my life and the lives of my children. If I seem crazy (I am) and sometimes screaming the opinion of something other than a doormat, that is the role I shall play. Either be a character in my life or sit back and wish you were.

amy

A Dolla Make Me Holla

(That is a self-portrait of my brain)

I've said before I wasn't raised as wealthy. I was raised to be a label whore.  Once I got out into the "real" world, I saw the box store, Aldi, Save-a-Lot from a closer perspective. I have had friends who made a game out of getting the most lunch meat for their dollar. Kudos to you. Been there, done that.

However, over the last 15 years or so, I've made a turn toward the "not-settling" approach. When I say this, I mean "If I can't get the one I want, then I'll do without until I can'. This, generally, works for me.

Where I'm going with this is that over a period of time, I may have gotten spoiled to things that many would view as frivolous. I like TV. I grew up with a TV in the kitchen, so I have a TV in the kitchen. I was in a situation a few years ago where I needed service to 5 TVs (God forbid one kid be treated differently).
DirecTV wanted so much for the 5th receiver that it was cheaper to have 4 additional TVs hooked up and have both them and Dish Network. (Well, heavens, if 5 is good, imagine how good 8 would be...and it SO is).

So tonight, when I finally decided to bathe and call it a day, Dish Network had lost signal completely and the whole thing had to be reset. (I'm talking at least 5 minutes without service). Entire time in bathroom, no noise, no sounds (but for the ones in my head that I can't drown out). I swear I heard cicadas.

I like bottled beer and soda. A few days ago I was offered a canned beer, I turned it down. (What a snobbish and rude thing to do). I like Oscar Mayer bologna. I refuse to eat any other brand or hot dog (knowingly). As I think over it, there are a million things that I refuse to settle for. Lotions, wines, detergents, brands of stupid things.

My thoughts turn to what if I HAD to settle or do without. I'm sure for the longest time, I'd just do without. But at some point, I'm sure I'd have to break down and use regular deodorant (Tom's Apricot, write this down) or (please, for all that is holy) not have satellite TV. 

I saw a poster recently that presented a small, black child saying to a tall, white woman, "So let me get this straight, you have so much water that you shit in it?". It saddened me to think that we take this stuff for granted. How can I worry about stuff like Peter Thomas Roth lotion (Amazon, seriously) and nice hotels (Hilton, get points, better than being royalty), when there are people right this moment whose kids don't have food until Monday's breakfast at school.

Makes me think of the Luckenbach, Texas song  by Waylon Jennings that says, "Let's get back to the basics of love".  Have I become so spoiled that I can't function?I think I've forgotten what a privilege it is to have a healthy family and, really, very little drama (of which I've not brought on myself). 

Someone asked me yesterday what it'd take for me to consider myself a rock star? I'm still tossing that around in my head (and I've heard it twice today). I don't know if you would know if you were a rock star (unless you play the mandolin like ABR or there are groupies waiting outside your overpriced RV with the mirrored ceiling. I mean, when do you feel so complacent with where you are that you stop trying to go further? At what point did Mitt say to Anne, "you know, I think we have enough money. Think I'll stop overtaking companies and rebuilding. Give someone else a shot at the title".

Now that you've seen just an inkling of the ramblings in my head, where do I go with this... (insert, I am on the cusp of something here. It may take awhile but I'll keep you posted)

Welcome to Adulthood

Wonder if this boy above told his mom he was a "Grown-Ass Man". Look where that got him....

I've spent a long day thinking about where I came from and where I am. My ADHD thought process made me then think of Paris Hilton, the Kardashians and countless other uber-successful by birth people.


Really, I came from nowhere. When I think back to my teen years, I thought we we did well. I thought we were better off than most. I thought we had all we wanted or needed. I mean, I saw people who didn't have what we had. They must have been "the poor people".

As an adult, I realize we didn't have squat. (In the voice of a 13-year-old girl), O-M-G, WE WERE SOOOO POOR. I Lived on Main Street here in the fine village of Podunk until I was almost 20. We had a pool, satellite, cable, video games, dirt bikes, 3-wheeler, (little supervision as I think back) and a purple scooter.
I never remember being hungry; although, I do remember gorging on payday when the groceries came in from the box store where Subway is now. I do remember eating the ass ends off of cold hot dogs and sticking the middle in the trash for fear that I'd be caught "wasting" food. AND I remember my brother living on Gerber baby cereal (the flake kind you mix with milk) for most of high school.



I don't recall eating out EVER, or a class t-shirt or lunch money. I do remember lots of Aigner clothing, the Village Boutique and prom dresses that were WAY OVERPRICED. I recall buying 76 cents of gas one time for the biggest piece of shit car IN THE WORLD. I thought that's what you did. You turn 16 and the stepmother gets a new car. Right of passage sort of thing. 


When I became an adult, I judged a successful life on having a pool, having satellite TV, having cycles, cable, and "things". As the kids started high school, ALL kids had cell phones. Neither kid got a NEW car, but I was teaching them character (and after all, they had a damn cell phone for the triple AMY if they needed roadside assistance). They both had what they "NEEDED" in high school.


Both kids have had gas money, lunch money, insurance, cell phones, prom attire, money for any occasion needed, class rings, no jobs to interfere with sports and academics. "We've" footed the bill. 


It is of my opinion that my job as a mother (unlike my own mother) is to send my kids out into the world with a solid education, manners, good credit and good teeth. 


I am fully happy to continue to provide these privileges to both my kids as long as they continue their education (for as long as they choose to continue) and I see that they are helping me to help them. There are no free rides, my people. These grants are way more than I was EVER given. I'll have student loans until I die, and that's a payment I don't mind paying EVERY. SINGLE. MONTH. FOR-EV-ER.


I guess when I think abut the uber-privileged, I become sad. As I look at my life, I had nowhere to go but up (or two blocks west). If you start at the bottom, your goals don't have to be in the upper tiers of society. You can be in the middle class and still be "winner, winner, chicken dinner". As long as I feel like I am better off than when I started (still like the ass end of cold hot dogs), then there is no outside pressure to perform.


Were I have began my life as a celebrity child or professional athlete's kid, I would be expected to do grand things. As a coal miner's daughter, I'm only expected to exist and have utilities. I wonder what kind of a life my kids will look back on and feel like they have to maintain to be considered successful?


Paige continues in school (I secretly hope forever) and Kane is a typical undecided 18-year-old. I would be fine if either of my children were to join the Peace Corps and live in mud huts. I now see success as not "things", but more of options. Success is taking a day off "BECAUSE YOU CAN", traveling "BECAUSE YOU CAN', and just having the utilities auto drafted.


We are not "successful" people. We do not live on the upper rungs of society. We live, we work, we pay, we work some more. Bills come, they go back out. It's just life. You save and something needs tires. You save and the water heater goes out...or a transmission fails....or LIFE just slaps you in the face.


I guess the point to my slobber is I don't mind helping "YOU" if you are helping yourself. I don't mind giving a hand up, and I expect the same from my government, my neighbor and my kids. Schutt kids, you will have been successful if you have helped even ONE person along your way. I love you both, now get your asses out there and make something of yourselves. 


(Who's the best mom in the whole wide world?)....all together, kids.

Mentioning the Un-Mentionables

As a child, my grandmother called them your unmentionables. Later she'd call them panties, underwear, drawers, draws, skins, and a plethora of other nouns. I like to call them unnecessary, but there are occasions when it is inappropriate to just lie around the house without them. Unless you are from a third-world country or a resident in an assisted living facility, you should not have draws hanging around like the above photo.
There is a place for everything, and NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOUR draws blowing in the wind.

I recently saw 6-week panties at Gander for $18 a pair. The concept is that (hopefully) you buy two pair, go on that long hike, bike ride, camping trip, etc and you wear a pair, in the evening wash said pair out and put on second pair while the first day's product in its anti-bacterial form corrects itself. Wonder how long you could wear them with their dissolving? Someone try them and let me know.

Now, look, you naysayers, I can appreciate a nice, tight ass. Hell, I'd probably trade a little toe (maybe a ring finger) for a forever tight ass. (Yo, Genie, no tradesies and then I get the old girl back in the fine print).

If you have a tight, fit and firm ass, by all means, let that girl out. Let your freak flag fly. HOWEVER, most of the women I have contact with do not fall into said category. For these ladies, I ask, please, for the love of all that is holy, KEEP THAT SHIT PUT UP. I don't want to see your draws.

The point of my rant is that today I had occasion to shop for some run-of-the-mill, not getting my freak flag on unmentionables. I saw big panties, little panties, thongs, boy shorts, bikinis, boxer briefs. I saw some that said Love and peace and Go Team, butterflies, every geometric shape known to Sheldon Cooper and the list goes on and on.

Here is my beef: Even as a middle-aged woman who is not looking for panties with Tweetie Bird, I also don't want panties that scream "Just-Brought-My-Baby-Home-From-The-Hospital" pink or blue either. I don't want panties that look like the tablecloth my grandma saved for the occasional family gathering, or her nightgown, or the cloth that covered that little round table in the corner of the living room and had fake plastic flowers in a vase. If Avon sells it, I DON'T WANT IT.  To you vendors in New Delhi who are making these calls: WE DON'T WANT THE SAME PATTERN OF PANTIES THAT YOU USE ON KITCHEN RUGS.

Let's see if we can't narrow this down to black, white, nude. Throw a red or hot pink in there if you want...or a nice charcoal. But let's limit the cartoon bullshit to children's section. No real man wants to open the golden gates to heaven and see pantie with a fucking daisy on them. It's a turnoff for all involved. Mickey isn't who you want your partner thinking about during sex.

(As a caveat, should you be a fan of the baby pink/baby blue panties, Google a site for you to meet others like you. In due time, the GIG will have a phone number you can call and for $9.99 a minute you can tell an English-speaking American man/woman all about your panty fetish. We'll keep you posted. Until then, if you're not getting laid, now you have some insight into why. If you are getting laid, that is great that you've met someone just like you. You're soulmates. Hope it lasts forever....but have a financial backup plan for when he learns to use the Net and finds hot women online WITHOUT the panties of an 8-year-old.) You've been warned.