Things I would want my children to know...

This week was lost a good friend. Because of this, it has made me ponder if I were to die the things I would want my children to know about me. Sort of my own eulogy. In addition, these are things I wouldn't care if anyone knew about me and hopefully (with the help of Al Gore and his Net wisdom) the Internet will be around longer than any journal I would keep. So here goes.

First, please do not be sad for me. I am finally getting the rest that I've so fought for through pharmaceutical means since December of 1996. Move on, there are plenty of other things in the world to be sad about.

I would want my children to know my most favorite of jokes. The following is my most favorite for years.

As a preface I should explain. In the 1960s, the drug thalidomide was used by some pregnant women in Europe and Canada to treat morning sickness. Women who took the drug in early pregnancy gave birth to children with severe birth defects such as missing or shortened limbs.

Now for my joke:

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill.
"What was that?" The others asked her.
"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked.
"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong."
They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked her.
"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this sweater!"

My children have never known me to be a saint. This is just something I find humor in and in no way endorses women to alter their diets to meet their knitting needs.

I have one about Parkinson's behind a nursing home that even at 16 and 20 I don't think is appropriate for you to hear.

Here are a few notes that I feel you should know about me as well.

1. You know I hate the misuse of grammar and punctuation, please do not dumb yourselves down from the use of text. Your intelligence shows from the proper use of these things, and I didn't raise you like that.

2. If a person chooses to bring a child into this world, you have obligations. The first and foremost of these is an adequate education. Note, this must include common sense as well as book smarts.

In addition, your second most important obligation is to make sure they fall out of the nest with straight teeth. If you can afford to eat or drive a vehicle of any kind, you can also afford orthodontics. Do not fool yourselves into believing that people will overlook your teeth because you have a pleasant personality.

3. As your mother (and not an officer of the court/law), I should advise you that it is my belief that people who commit crimes against children should be punished by death. There should be no mercy for someone who abuses in any way a child (which by the way is anyone under 18, maybe 20). Vigilantism is another word for justifiable homicide in many cases. Remember Gran Torino or The Patriot. On this same note, don't be afraid to jerk them up and spank their little asses. Nothing gets a kid's attention like a good swat now and then. Time-outs are for pussies....and don't use that word.

4. Your mother was a liberal Democrat. Do not be swayed by far right-wing politicos who try to force their beliefs on you. I've raised you both to come to your own conclusions on what is right and wrong. It will come to you as you age.

5. Your mother's second language was sailor. I blame this on a very good friend unto which I am the godmother to her son. She was a city girl from Chicago and it rubbed off in a bad way. This is not something I'm proud of and shows poor judgment. A shit now and then isn't the end of the world, but stay away from the queen mothers.

6. Remember that you're never clean without baby wipes. I am not alone in this belief. Remember Terrence Howard takes them with him everywhere and he is a big celebrity. Nothing wrong with being clean.

7. Your mother wanted to be a supreme court justice when she was a child. I love to see women further themselves in politics and show them the respect they deserve. However, don't follow that idiot Palin. She is on a course of no return.

8. A woman named Sarah Ferguson (you won't remember her) said this: "Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the ones I had to kill because they pissed me off."

From this I tell you from getting older and enduring grief from following this advice: Let it be. Let it go. Let it rest. We all have to go to bed with the decisions we make each day. Just let it be. Tomorrow it will be something else.

9.Lastly, here are a list of things I love that I bet you never new. Also included in this list are things I wanted to do but never accomplished. I hope by the time you have to read this some of them can be crossed off.

Neon signs.
Larry's House of Cakes white cupcakes.
Even numbers.
The book "The Devil in Connecticut".
Feeding the ducks at Harrisburg Park.
The Ben Taylor Band (son of James Taylor).
Etta James and her song "At Last".
1000 thread count sheets.
The Commodores.
The Patriot. (Kane, you know).
Pretty paper.
Big Bang Theory.
Stories about Hannibal and the elephants.
I wanted to learn Latin.
I wanted to learn everything about Geography and I hate sports.

These things will seem trivial to you now, but these are things I would like you to know about me.

In conclusion, we will all take each day as it comes and be thankful for what we have, and we WILL NEVER FORGET that there are many, many people worse off than we are. I love you both and would trade nothing for the time I've spent with you both...(except for maybe that stint with colic one of you had for 10 months).